Jeepers Creepers

I have no luck with men.

My Uncle is dating a woman who has kids in their late twenties. I'm in my early twenties. At Thanksgiving I met her son who sat in the livingroom watching football. Didn't talk to anyone and left without saying anything. I didn't think anything of him. I come home and he has friend requested me on Facebook and got my number from my Uncle. He has a girlfriend. That message is from this guy.

He won't stop texting me.

He wants to hang out.

He grosses me out.

I had to ask him to leave me alone.

*puke.in.my.mouth.

The Liz Lemon Syndrome

"You are stunning... but you were stunninger with your long hair." A compliment.
Now if only my hair would grow back so I might win back the approval of boys. Do you know how many boys in my life have made similar comments?

1. "You look good, but why did you ruin something good?"

2. "You looked better with long hair."

3. "Did you cut your hair because you knew I liked your long hair?"
Because that's what women do, right? We destroy the physical appearances you love as a form of vengeance/punishment. Take that for never showing up on that date/calling/texting me back, but expecting me not to "date" anyone else! *snip, snip*

I don't need you to make me feel good about myself. I love wearing my hair short, and I shouldn't have to justify what makes me feel good about myself.

On a similar note...The other day I had coffee with a guy I've known for years. After a really great discussion he tells me, "This is why I could never date you-you scare me."

Why do I scare you? lolzzz: "you intimidate me" ...oh
"you're very intelligent and independent, and beautiful too." ...is that so?

If only I could go one way, ya know? Why do I make this simple life so complicated for the other gender? If I were just beautiful, boys would like me because I wouldn't make them feel stupid. If I were just intelligent, I would be ignored by boys and enjoy a solitary life with my cats. But smart AND beautiful? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What am I doing? WHAT AM I DOING?


I just want to be stunninger.

Existence Box

We all live in an existence box, an existence box, an existence box.

Follow Along

Follow along if you'd like:

Def OKCupid Poetry Jam

GIRLS ARE WHORES

Ahh, Facebook.

Pride & WTF

I took a chance when I decided to go out with a guy, Mr. B, who had once made a crude comment where he insinuated I was making my money from stripping. I thought to myself, "maybe he just has an odd way of flirting" or "he must get nervous and says the wrong things."
Why do we girls do this for guys? We should be screaming: REDFLAG REDFLAG
Instead, we opt to encourage them by giving them "chances" to be better people. We think, I can change this dude with my love.
No, no, and no. When the red flag comes up, run away screaming.

Mr. B and I went out. We had a nice time. He wanted to know more about me. He opened the door for me. He bought my drinks. He was different from all the guys prior because he seemed attentive and interested and seemed to listen. I liked him.

A month later we had sex. It was nothing special, but with practice, who knows, right?

The phone calls began to happen less and less.
He is late and, at one point, just never shows up to our date and never calls.

All signs point to IT'S OVER. You accept this, a little hurt, but you'll be okay.

Now, I feel as though the guys I meet are more interested in what my boobs look like than what I have to say. I tried casual and I can't casually date. The guy mentioned above? I totally liked him and wanted to get to know him more. I guess, in a way, I did get to know him more but in all the ways I didn't expect.

SIGNS YOU ARE DATING A CRAZY DUDE

1) When a guy doesn't call and ditches you frequently, you may think to yourself, "What am I doing wrong?" STOP. You have done nothing wrong. If he doesn't call and ditches you, all signs point to THIS GUY IS A LOSER. Break it off, move on. Right?

You then move to deleting the guy from your life. He is a flake. Why is your life any of his business now? You de-friend the guy on Facebook and he then immediately texts you with: "Of all the people, I would never think you would do this to me..." and sends a friend request on Facebook. This is the same guy who hasn't talked to you in a few days and left you waiting out in public on your date. Cool bro.

2) When you explain to the guy your feelings and he turns into the victim.

I have had several discussions with different guys about how I feel in our relationship. With the most recent guy, I explained how I cared about him, and that I felt he didn't share the same feelings. I opted to end the arrangement because I felt we wanted different things...I wanted more, he didn't want a relationship. I wanted to continue being friendly, no hard feelings. The guy then tells me that I "have a wall up" and that "I run away from him." Suddenly I am the reason he doesn't call back or flakes on everything? I thought telling someone you cared about them is like saying, heeeey sup, I tore this wall down, come on in.

3) This same guy also wanted a review of his sexual performance, and when I wouldn't tell him, decided that "he was just another guy to me" and I didn't care. SIGN: Telling me you got off thinking about me and want to know if you're different from my former sexual partners....uuuuh? You made me puke in my mouth, that's different.

4) In the middle of sex he says to you, "I don't want to get close to you." I'm just glad I got off before this was uttered into my ear.


I have the strange luck of meeting sad little boys.
I also believe in fairy tale endings and keep holding out for mine.

I wasn't asking you to be my boyfriend, I was trying to get to know you and get closer with the hopes that yes, maybe this would blossom into a relationship. I got to know you but not in the way I had hoped for and now I'm left feeling used and pathetic.

After OKCupid Hookup #2 with Bonus Ex-Drama

Dear Men,

If, in the past, we broke up: it was for a reason. Do not continue to message me a year later about how we should give it another go. No, we shouldn't, because you're the douchebag who fucked it up in the first place. Also, you're probably just upset about not getting any- so please go date someone and leave me alone.

If we fuck on the first date, it was probably because I was just looking for sex anyway. Therefore, you do not have to spoon-feed me the lies that dudes are supposed to tell chicks, like "I'm going to be really busy for the next month..." I get it. I'm not planning to be your fucking girlfriend. Be real for once. Fuck.

You do not need to buy Magnum condoms for your seven inch dick. I don't even know why guys do this.

AND CAN WE PLEASE JUST KEEP OUR GOD DAMN ERECTIONS FOR ONCE. I feel like no one told me about this phenomenon.

Also, I would still like an honest answer about whether or not "blue balls" is a real thing or just a masterfully used device to pressure women.

Thanks for the rage, bitterness, and unsatisfying sex.

Catch of the Day

Ladies, form a queue.

Halloween Slutz

Unfortunately, I now have a boyfriend. Though not technically a boyfriend, as we're not Facebook official and he says to "call it whatever you want, labels suck". Call it societal influence or maybe just my vagina crying out for much-needed attention, but I find myself having to rage on men less. Or maybe mostly, guys don't contact taken girls on OKCupid.

Today, and by today I mean yesterday because I've yet to sleep, is Halloween. I no longer understand what some people want. The same men expect women to be sexy, and then accuse them of being slutty for dressing up in revealing clothing with friends. I'm sure women would agree that they have the right to dress as they wish without harassment, but have no issue assuming some sort of promiscuity (as if there's any issue with that anyways) and sling insults when other women have fun.

And I give you Facebook.

I'm disappointed in my gender, too. Maybe "Je" has self esteem issues that cause her to lash out on other women, or maybe she's one of those people who agrees that slutty girls deserve to have terrible things happen to them.

All I know is that as long as women (and men too) perpetuate this bullshit, we'll never be equal, we will be judged, and we will never feel entirely safe.

Take Care

There's a phrase that's been bugging the shit out of me recently, having to do with "taking care" of oneself.

What bugs me is a certain context in which it's used: "I take care of myself, you should, too." or "I expect a woman to take pride in taking care of herself."

This is code for a less eloquent phrase that is used by more blunt individuals: "No fatties."

Here's my dilemma with the phrasing: it implies that the writer genuinely cares about your well-being, when that is obviously not the case. You can take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually, interpersonally, etc. Furthermore, taking care of yourself physically often has nothing to do with being thin/physically fit, but rather with feeling your best and sometimes, having a physician who tells you as much. But of course, your state of physical well-being is also NO ONE's business but yours and your doctor's.

So yes, I take care of myself. But not in the way you're implying, mister. I take care to guard myself against people who make me feel imperfect or degrade me for looking the way I do. I've taken care to cut people out of my life who consider my body their business. I take GREAT care of myself, actually.

I work extremely hard to take care of myself. As someone who struggles with a mental illness that can become debilitating if untreated, I will probably have to put a lot of effort into taking care of myself for the rest of my life. So the fact that you go to the gym? Doesn't really impress me.

You know what I'd have to do to be skinny? Starve myself. Go to the gym every day. Take time out of my life to fit into your mold. And some things are more important to me than being thin. Like taking care of myself.

Rape is Hilarious and also a Great Ice-breaker.

For all its faults, OKCupid actually has this really great feature- you can answer a variety of multiple choice questions, pick what you'd want a potential mate to answer, and rank the question by level of importance. Furthermore, you can see how other people chose to answer said questions. This provides one with what I call a "Dickbag Filter."

Most of the time, when someone messages me on OKCupid I follow this procedure:

1) Is the message gross/horribly misspelled/sexist?

If yes, delete message/post to blog for lols.
If no, click on person's profile and see what they answered for quiz questions.

2) Do their answers to questions make it apparent that this person is a dickbag?

If no, check to see if person has beard. If person has a beard, message back.
If yes, delete message.

If answers make it PARTICULARLY apparent that this person is a dickbag, copy/paste problematic answers into message to person. Give them a chance to explain themselves.

The problem is, despite my obvious disgust for most of the men I encounter on this site, sometimes I feel like they just need to be educated on how to be a decent human being. Like, if I point out "Look, you said here that rape is awesome," a guy will magically come to his senses and say "Oh dear, I can't believe I said that. You're absolutely right and I will change my disgusting ways immediately."

This scenario never actually happens, because a key aspect of being a dickbag is a refusal of admitting wrongs and a blatant disregard of any idea that is not inherently sexist/violent/homophobic/racist/etc.

For example,


God, what a catch.

I'm getting to a point in this experiment where I just want to throw up my hands and pretend the male gender does not exist. I'm getting a bit tired of the taste of vomit.

First Impressions 102: Instant Messaging

None of these really require much explanation. The examples really speak for themselves.

Gettin' Them Bitches 201: Romantic Like Joyce

Inspired by Joelle's thought-provoking guide to first impressions, I took a gander at past messages and noticed many tactics used by my previous suitors. What truly makes a woman tick? Which messages are more successful than others? Can OKCupid users answer either of these questions with success, or do they just hit the pitfall of misconceptions?

Dear reader, since joining the trend that is online dating, I have met some of the most poetic and thoughtful writers of our time. Joyce, your fart fantasies have been topped. Step aside.


1) The Unimposing


It can be scary, you know, talking to females. Please be aware here that I said "females", as interaction with them is different - it is required to be awkward and stilted. These "females" sometimes have difficulty making decisions of their own, so it is your duty to be kind, unimposing, and be sure to offer them all possible options.

Make sure to let her know that, unlike other men and probably the desperate hag you're speaking to too, you don't actually have a reason to be cruising about a dating site. He's just bored and wants to talk (but only if you're beautiful, whore). But this is where the trick comes in. "Well... I suppose if you want to talk,  we can have a conversation. If you'd like to. It would be okay if we talked." Invite her, let her in, ravage her.

Nick, who also happens to be a Scholar, is a master of being unimposing. I, the lucky lady, am an expert in being a sexi ma and only living an hour away. A match made in heaven! Once again I can feel free to call him. The benefit of leaving your number is that you don't have to worry about her comfort zone or getting to know a complete stranger. Because really, who gives a damn?

This is the best possible use of The Unimposing. Not only does it say nothing about yourself, but you get bonus points for The Empty Compliment! Short, inoffensive, and prompts the woman to do all of the work. Just sit back and relax, buddy. I can already hear them calling, "I'm interested! Oh me, I'm interested!".


2) The Neg

Let me go off on a tangent for a moment. I'm not clever enough to make up this fabulous word, nor am I a raptor. "Negging" already exists, and according to SoSuave.com (and many other male dating communities) a neg is used "to penetrate a woman's bitch shield". They pretty up the definition a bit, but it basically means to insult a woman in hopes that it shakes their confidence and gets them interested in you. Charming, really.

Of course, no dating tactic goes unused!

My only critique here, boys, is that you probably spent too much time and effort on a woman. That would be my critique, if I didn't remember lady Joelle getting almost the same message. Oops, C&P is a no-no!

But, I digress. The neg hit home. Unfortunately, while simultaneously IMing Baller7259 and looking up Ryan Young, I remembered that 300lb women need to eat and bought myself 10 pizzas.

MESSAGE ME BACK OR YOU'RE LIKE ALL THOSE OTHER WHORES.


3) The Confused

This technique will cause your success rate to vary wildly. Yes, it does require reading her profile. Fortunately you can read only one line, or maybe read the entire thing and not understand a single word. In this case: obvious satire.

What?

I'm sure he really is an electric engineer, though.

And lastly...

4) The Empty Compliment


We've all gotten these at one time or another. A guy opens conversation with "u have nice hair", and from there I simply swoon. Our conversation, and subsequently our love, blooms like the finest rose. The glare of the CRT monitor twinkles in our eyes as we trade equally romantic prose. His words ricochet in my mind, and I begin to verbally fellate him. Ohhh fuck BobJ42Oswego! u r hot! cutie! ur pants are blu! you profile made me laught UNGHHhghgnhhghh.

Yes, that is how it typically goes.

ugnghghghunnnnnn yessssss tell me more....

the most beautiful part of the female body is the profile unghhhhhhghhh MORE

YES YES OH GOD



And that, my dear lads, is how to get them bitches.

First Impressions 101: A Helpful Guide

Alright, so you've set up your dating profile! But you can't trust the ladies to truly recognize your genius and machismo based on that alone, so it's time to get messaging.

There are a couple of different routes you can take here, depending on how you want to impress said ~hot bitchez~. Feel free to follow this handy guide!

1) The Scholar



Worried that she won't appreciate your tasteful misspellings, grammar errors, and general lack of content? Fear not! There's nothing a woman likes more than a fixer-upper! Women are naturally maternal, so the closer you come to sounding like a child, the better the chance that she'll want to do you. It's super endearing.

Remember, boys: the more unintelligible, the better.

2) The Forthright Lad



The Victorians were right: if there's one thing women are all about, it's sex. So speak their language! No need to have any kind of conversation; it doesn't matter that she's a complete stranger; if you've met one you've met 'em all, am I right? So just come right out and say what you know she wants to hear. Her panties will be on your floor faster than you can say "Women are just pieces of meat for you to enjoy!"

*Note: Everyman did not need to include "how are you?" This makes the receiving subject think about themselves, which may distract them from thinking about you.

3) The Sexy Slacker

None of these options appealing to you? Feeling a bit shy today? That's okay, too! Just click on her profile, read one sentence (don't go reading the whole thing, that might be super boring), repeat the sentence in your message to her, and add an "lol." This will make it appear as if you actually read her whole boring profile because you care and are a good guy. Also, she will notice your awesome sense of humor through your careful use of "lol" or even "haha."



But you're a pretty busy dude, and looking at her profile is exhausting. How about you just say something about how funny/cool it is? She will feel indebted to you for "looking" at her profile, and most likely need to have sex with you in order to repay your efforts.





Of course, there are many other avenues you can venture down, including writing your memoir if you're feeling bored. But rest assured in the knowledge that no matter what, she'll be head over heels in no time. After all, she's probably desperate, anyway! Rock on, bro.

This Week's Gem

So, I'm 5'10". I'm definitely taller than your average woman. And I'm about 1 inch taller than your average man.

This comes with certain advantages and disadvantages. I don't get as pissed off when someone sits in the seat in front of me at the movies. I can reach things that my roommate can't (which comes in very handy). If there were to be a flood, I might fare better than those shorter than I. It's science.

There are, however, some drawbacks to Amazon-hood, most of which having to do with the fact that we live in a society where men are supposed to be BIG AND STRONG AND ABLE TO LEAP TALL BUILDINGS IN A SINGLE BOUND but women are supposed to be tiny and frail and easily overpowered.

Thus, the ideology of this suitor:

What a damn pity.

(I'm sure that I would also be too fat, too loud, too opinionated, and too self-serving.)

Also problematic: "everyone sucks so I guess you're here;" the usage of the R word (and as an adverb, no less); and signing off with a polite "eff you."

But have no fear, for there is a second explanation for this lovely boy's ramblings:

WHY WON'T THEY LEAVE ME ALONE?!

Regards,
The Gentle Giant

I missed out.

BIGOT Q&A: COOL CLOUD EDITION:

Q1: Would you ever change your religion (or adopt one) because your significant other wanted you to?

A1: Yes

Q2: If you were going to have a child, would you want the other parent to be of the same ethnicity as you?

A2: Yes

Q3: Straight women who kiss or fondle each other in clubs in the hopes of attracting men are...

A3: Incredibly hot!

Q4: Which is more offensive: book burning or flag burning?

A4: flag burning

Q5: Do you think women have an obligation to keep their legs shaved?

A5: Yes

Q6: Should evolution and creationism be taught side-by-side in public schools?

A6: Yes, students should hear both sides 

Q7: Would you--for any reason--read your mate's email or pose as him/her online, without his/her knowledge and permission?

A7: Yes, I'd be too curious not to.

Q8: Which best represents your opinion of same-sex relationships?

A8: All same-sex relationships are wrong.

Q9: Would you consider connecting with someone whose relationship status is 'seeing someone' or 'married'?

A9: Yes to 'seeing someone' only 

ALL SAME SEX RELATIONSHIPS ARE WRONG unless it's two women masquerading as lesbians for my sexual gratification. Monogamous, loving homosexual couples: you are destroying the sanctity of marriage. However, it's okay for me, a straight male to destroy the sanctity of trust in a relationship by sleeping with a woman involved with someone else.

Sucks for you guyzzzzzzzz! 

Copy & Paste: The most effective way to date

Deeply submerged beneath the sea of men who think rape jokes are first date material (or joke material, or funny at all...), people who think randomness is the pinnacle of humor, and those who try to impress us by flinging insults is an entirely different breed of men. Somewhere, in a universe where I haven't seen everything and am completely unimpressed by the stupidity involved in dating, I lose sleep over these people.

If any of you are reading this, I have so many questions. If you're looking for casual sex: why would anyone fuck you after reading ten paragraphs of self-centered, impersonal drivel? If you're looking for a meaningful relationship, why are you sending this bullshit? I can't imagine any circumstance where I would find it meaningful to reply to someone who sends 50 women a generic message in the hopes that one is stupid enough.

Especially if you're ugly.

Okay, okay. I won't be shallow. Dear Cool-Cloud, in which "cool" refers to the temperature of the vajayjays of each woman you contact: I, the wonderful and kind Ashley, offer you redemption.

Nevermind. I don't really have anything clever to say anymore, so basically he's also an awful person.

A New Asshole Demographic

I'm moving to a new city on Saturday, so I decided to make the changes on OKCupid to see what caliber of men I will soon be dealing with.
Hmm.. sounds pretty cute. Let's click on his profile and see if he continues to be cute.


DO YOU GUYS SEE WHAT HE DID THERE? IT'S A PLAY ON WORDS! INSTEAD OF 'PHILANTHROPIST' HE PUT 'FULL ON RAPIST'! OMG THAT IS JUST SOOOO FUNNY BECAUSE RAPE IS HILARIOUS AND IT IS SUPER ATTRACTIVE FOR A GUY TO SUGGEST THAT HE IS A RAPIST!

Coincidentally, while I was making these screen caps someone started talking to me through the instant messager. He seemed funny, was an English major, what could go wrong, right? RIGHT?!

THEN THIS HAPPENED:Now, I could either view this as total coincidence attributable to the fact that there are at least two rape apologists in the city I'm about to move to...

OR I COULD TAKE THE REACTIONARY VIEWPOINT AND DECIDE THAT I AM MOVING TO A CITY FULL OF AWFUL, AWFUL PEOPLE.

Guess which path I decided to go down. Just guess.

-Jo

P.S. RAAAAAAAGE

& my little red apron

How do I even begin to detail the stupidity of the men which seem to gravitate towards me? Well, lets start with last night...

So I went out with a guy from work (I know, I should have listened to my own advice: DON'T GET INVOLVED WITH DUDES FROM WORK) a couple of weeks ago and we hit it off great.
With his real name in mind, we will call him Lizzie Bennett on here.

Lizzie Bennett is sweet, and opens the car door for me, and does all the things a gentleman would do for a lady of class. I was impressed. He makes me laugh and smile with his flirty ways. One evening, while sipping on my favorite wine he bought just for me, we are discussing how I wish I had a Wegmans Shoppers card but always forget- he gives me his extra shoppers card in a playful-marry me, joke kind of way...

Needless to say by the second week I was crushing on him and we did the deed. I wouldn't say it was the best sex of my life, far from, BUT it has potential...potential I wanted to take the time to craft into THE BEST SEX OF MY LIFE.

Of course, after having done all of this, guy gets lazy...makes plans and never follows through and doesn't even call to tell me he isn't coming. Yesterday was no exception. After a week of flaking I thought tomorrow would be different... I call around 5pm, no answer. I go home, I nap, I wake up around 8pm. No missed call, no anything. 8:30pm I get a text: " Hey there. Whats going on?" What the fuck do you think dude- I'm waiting for you to tell me when you want to hang out, Derp.

I know, I know. We aren't in a relationship and I don't want one yet, but when a dude says everyday he misses you and makes plans and then never calls... you feel a bit played.

So here is the dialogue after the initial text:

PS: I now wear a red apron where we work and we briefly talked about it before he left work yesterday.

Lizzie Bennett: I bet you look cute in your aprion
Darcy: What?
Darcy: Ok, are you talking to me because that's random...
Lizzie: Im sorry i didnt call you sooner
Darcy: Ok.
Darcy: And I'm not wearing an apron*
Lizzie: I wanted to see it on you hint hint
Darcy: Do you mean my red apron?
Lizzie: Yes
Darcy: Hah.. Ok
Lizzie: Something with black too? =)
Darcy: Haha, are you drunk?
Lizzie: LOL no

There are TWO concerns running through my head.

1) You don't return my call but text me those lines of bs- I AM NOT SEXTING YOU
2) There was a girl at work who said this same guy suggested for her birthday she go to VickiSecret and get something black. I wasn't sure what to think because he claims the conversation never happened. I decided to give him a chance and the chick seemed cool about me hanging out with him and thus I thought, well yea- maybe it was some misunderstanding.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME! ALL THE CLUES ARE PUT TOGETHER AND I STILL THINK- hey, maybe he is just misunderstood- like a puppy who ruins your favorite 100$ Gucci pumps and then shits on your toothbrush. So cute, but so obvious that he wants to use your shit, detroy your belongings, and then after all that- expects a belly rub.

Meanwhile...

As I am driving to the local Applebees to drown my pain with Mudslides, my phone rings. Lizzie? IS THATCHU DERE? ****Always look at caller ID before answering***

Hello?
Alejandro is on the line.

Conversation: What are you doing? APPLEBEES Why are you going there? TO FILL THE VOID WHICH WAS MY LOVE LIFE WITH BAD DRANKS Why would you do that, you sound crazy. BECAUSE I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT ( Alejandro, you are not my Dad. KAYTHXBAI)


BREAKING NEWS: So Lizzie Bennett calls me as I write this blog. My friends car apparently has had an injury and she told Lizzie she was drunk and side swipped a tree last night. (False.) He immediatly becomes concerned because he's worried I'm hurt. LOL He also has called to tell me he needs a computer desk and he wants me to go help him shop for one. He wants me to help him decorate his apartment. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND YOU MALE GENDER. WHY WOULD YOU WANT ME TO DO THAT???? AHSIDJEWIHJFIOERGFVIERHJOGROEJFWOCJEKWPOQRFFFFERJVIPOGEJEROJGVIOTRJIOVRGVRJEOVJIOEJJJERV



The joke is girls are crazy, right?


- Holly Golightly

monkey cheese bananas lol

I'm currently low functioning; working on about four hours of sleep. Instead of admitting how lazy I am or the honest truth that this is the best writing that will ever come out of a computer major, focus on my obvious lack of effort compared to that found in this message.

Bravo Ashley! An artful comparison!

To be honest, I don't quite know what to say about this poetic message. I suppose I'll leave it open for interpretation.

And what is the message title all about? "Wink" WHAT was going through this dudes head?

I iz Flewent

He slayed my English major heart <3

He Didn't Understand my Choice...

Remember that guy on OKCupid who tried to explain marketing strategies to me before closing with a resigned "I'll understand if you choose not to respond?"

Well, he's back with more game than ever!


He sounds like a fun-loving, emotionally stable mate! I can't wait to message him back!

Facebook: Bringing Sexist Fuckwads Together Since 2004

In an effort to delve further into the mysteries of douchebaggery, I often turn to Facebook. Today, I came across this gem on Jonathan's profile. I hope it gives you a better idea of what caliber of being I'm dealing with here.


I think Ayn Rand would be proud.

Explaining Dating Website Marketing Strategies to Strangers: Always a Turn-on

Dude's got game!

I hope he understands my choice to not respond. It was extremely hard for me to make.

The Jonathan Files: Part II

Despite Jonathan's closet libertarianism and blatant douchebaggery, a couple of days after our initial get-together I was horny again, and decided that perhaps I was just overreacting- and even if I was, who cares about the conversation when two people are using each other for sex?

Thinking with my vagina dentata never does end well...

I showed up at his apartment around 12pm, only to be greeted by a porch full of strangers and Jonathan sprinting out the door, shirtless, to tell me that he was changing so I should wait on the porch. Awkward small talk commenced while I waited, and soon realized that his friends were just as douchey as he. Jonathan came out, dressed in a baby blue polo shirt with the collar popped, and proceeded to make fun of my purple and black striped leggings. Oh, the irony.

I discovered that they all had plans to walk to a local bar when they all abruptly stood up and started walking, so I reluctantly followed, wishing I hadn't driven out there in the first place. When we got there, the group sidled up to the bar, leaving no stools left, so I sat at an adjacent table, alone. This is about the point when I started texting Tiffany my S.O.S. After awhile, Jonathan came over and tried to read my text that said "OMG WTF WHAT A DOUCHEBAG WTFFFF" so I awkwardly clicked out and tried to make small talk. Jonathan decided to take my phone and start playing Oregon Trail. I laughed, thinking he was joking. Oh, no; libertarians never joke. He played Oregon Trail on my phone for ten minutes without talking to me. TEN MINUTES of sitting in silence, staring at this fuckwad while he giggled lovingly at my phone. These are the lengths I will go to for some poon.

Things got better when we decided to go to another bar with drinks I could afford with my $2 and play a round of darts. Hanging out ensued, and we headed to Jonathan's room at the end of the night for some much anticipated sexing.

I received ten minutes. Then, Little Jonathan decided he didn't want to play anymore. Big Jonathan, however, tried to convince me to work with Little Jonathan. Little Jo received NOTHING. After a brief stint of me trying to get Little Jonathan to come out and play, I gave up, told him "I'm not toiling over your drunk dick," rolled over, and went to sleep.

You'd think it was over then. You'd think.

I woke up the next morning to find Jonathan already awake, so quiet escape wasn't possible this time. Nonetheless, I made an excuse to GTFO, but Jonathan asked if I'd give him a ride to his brother's house, saying it was only a couple of minutes away.

A "couple of minutes" meant ten, fifteen if you factor in the FOUR TIMES I had to slam on my brakes and turn around because motherfucker had no idea where his own brother lived. When we finally got there, I was fuming. But of course, Jonathan has trouble picking up on obvious social cues, so he invited me to meet his brother, to which I flatly replied, "no." He kissed me goodbye before I could turn my head, and got out of the car.

I drove home that day with a newfound respect for my own desperation.

With all of these warning signs, I still went back a couple of days later, which became a story for a different day. Why. Why. Why. I AM STUPID.

-Jo

asoulwatcher: being an autistic sociopath is even worse than being a sociopath.

As a desperately lonely single woman, I've spent many hours browsing OkCupid for my internet prince - enough time that I am no longer surprised any time a man is trying to lure potential mates to message him with rape jokes and misogyny. "Women are too stupid to make decisions for themselves and only date bad guys*, and that's the only reason I'm single. Message me to be treated well." Thank you for that assumption, dream man!

But I digress. The other day I found, literally, the most awful person to ever exist. If he had charisma instead of self-diagnosed Aspergers, he might even manage to throw us sheeple into concentration camps. This was most probably the hardest decision of my life: how do I not just screenshot his profile in its entirety and leave you with one question? "Why?" WHY?

Like any good feminist, I do support equality for everyone. Therefore, I have decided to separate this gentleman's feelings in three categories; why he hates men, why he hates women, and why he hates humanity as a whole. Pray for me.

Let it be known that it took 20 fucking pages to screen shot his profile.

Why asoulwatcher hates men:

 ur gay if u insult me

Why asoulwatcher hates women:

Why asoulwatcher hates humanity:

So ladies (or you dudes that only e-insult him because you want his dick), don't all message him at once! This man, who has no type (aside from the type he mentioned), is not superficial (just look exactly how he wants you to) is only in this for true love.

*bad guys: any guy that isn't them