Take Care

There's a phrase that's been bugging the shit out of me recently, having to do with "taking care" of oneself.

What bugs me is a certain context in which it's used: "I take care of myself, you should, too." or "I expect a woman to take pride in taking care of herself."

This is code for a less eloquent phrase that is used by more blunt individuals: "No fatties."

Here's my dilemma with the phrasing: it implies that the writer genuinely cares about your well-being, when that is obviously not the case. You can take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually, interpersonally, etc. Furthermore, taking care of yourself physically often has nothing to do with being thin/physically fit, but rather with feeling your best and sometimes, having a physician who tells you as much. But of course, your state of physical well-being is also NO ONE's business but yours and your doctor's.

So yes, I take care of myself. But not in the way you're implying, mister. I take care to guard myself against people who make me feel imperfect or degrade me for looking the way I do. I've taken care to cut people out of my life who consider my body their business. I take GREAT care of myself, actually.

I work extremely hard to take care of myself. As someone who struggles with a mental illness that can become debilitating if untreated, I will probably have to put a lot of effort into taking care of myself for the rest of my life. So the fact that you go to the gym? Doesn't really impress me.

You know what I'd have to do to be skinny? Starve myself. Go to the gym every day. Take time out of my life to fit into your mold. And some things are more important to me than being thin. Like taking care of myself.

Rape is Hilarious and also a Great Ice-breaker.

For all its faults, OKCupid actually has this really great feature- you can answer a variety of multiple choice questions, pick what you'd want a potential mate to answer, and rank the question by level of importance. Furthermore, you can see how other people chose to answer said questions. This provides one with what I call a "Dickbag Filter."

Most of the time, when someone messages me on OKCupid I follow this procedure:

1) Is the message gross/horribly misspelled/sexist?

If yes, delete message/post to blog for lols.
If no, click on person's profile and see what they answered for quiz questions.

2) Do their answers to questions make it apparent that this person is a dickbag?

If no, check to see if person has beard. If person has a beard, message back.
If yes, delete message.

If answers make it PARTICULARLY apparent that this person is a dickbag, copy/paste problematic answers into message to person. Give them a chance to explain themselves.

The problem is, despite my obvious disgust for most of the men I encounter on this site, sometimes I feel like they just need to be educated on how to be a decent human being. Like, if I point out "Look, you said here that rape is awesome," a guy will magically come to his senses and say "Oh dear, I can't believe I said that. You're absolutely right and I will change my disgusting ways immediately."

This scenario never actually happens, because a key aspect of being a dickbag is a refusal of admitting wrongs and a blatant disregard of any idea that is not inherently sexist/violent/homophobic/racist/etc.

For example,


God, what a catch.

I'm getting to a point in this experiment where I just want to throw up my hands and pretend the male gender does not exist. I'm getting a bit tired of the taste of vomit.

First Impressions 102: Instant Messaging

None of these really require much explanation. The examples really speak for themselves.

Gettin' Them Bitches 201: Romantic Like Joyce

Inspired by Joelle's thought-provoking guide to first impressions, I took a gander at past messages and noticed many tactics used by my previous suitors. What truly makes a woman tick? Which messages are more successful than others? Can OKCupid users answer either of these questions with success, or do they just hit the pitfall of misconceptions?

Dear reader, since joining the trend that is online dating, I have met some of the most poetic and thoughtful writers of our time. Joyce, your fart fantasies have been topped. Step aside.


1) The Unimposing


It can be scary, you know, talking to females. Please be aware here that I said "females", as interaction with them is different - it is required to be awkward and stilted. These "females" sometimes have difficulty making decisions of their own, so it is your duty to be kind, unimposing, and be sure to offer them all possible options.

Make sure to let her know that, unlike other men and probably the desperate hag you're speaking to too, you don't actually have a reason to be cruising about a dating site. He's just bored and wants to talk (but only if you're beautiful, whore). But this is where the trick comes in. "Well... I suppose if you want to talk,  we can have a conversation. If you'd like to. It would be okay if we talked." Invite her, let her in, ravage her.

Nick, who also happens to be a Scholar, is a master of being unimposing. I, the lucky lady, am an expert in being a sexi ma and only living an hour away. A match made in heaven! Once again I can feel free to call him. The benefit of leaving your number is that you don't have to worry about her comfort zone or getting to know a complete stranger. Because really, who gives a damn?

This is the best possible use of The Unimposing. Not only does it say nothing about yourself, but you get bonus points for The Empty Compliment! Short, inoffensive, and prompts the woman to do all of the work. Just sit back and relax, buddy. I can already hear them calling, "I'm interested! Oh me, I'm interested!".


2) The Neg

Let me go off on a tangent for a moment. I'm not clever enough to make up this fabulous word, nor am I a raptor. "Negging" already exists, and according to SoSuave.com (and many other male dating communities) a neg is used "to penetrate a woman's bitch shield". They pretty up the definition a bit, but it basically means to insult a woman in hopes that it shakes their confidence and gets them interested in you. Charming, really.

Of course, no dating tactic goes unused!

My only critique here, boys, is that you probably spent too much time and effort on a woman. That would be my critique, if I didn't remember lady Joelle getting almost the same message. Oops, C&P is a no-no!

But, I digress. The neg hit home. Unfortunately, while simultaneously IMing Baller7259 and looking up Ryan Young, I remembered that 300lb women need to eat and bought myself 10 pizzas.

MESSAGE ME BACK OR YOU'RE LIKE ALL THOSE OTHER WHORES.


3) The Confused

This technique will cause your success rate to vary wildly. Yes, it does require reading her profile. Fortunately you can read only one line, or maybe read the entire thing and not understand a single word. In this case: obvious satire.

What?

I'm sure he really is an electric engineer, though.

And lastly...

4) The Empty Compliment


We've all gotten these at one time or another. A guy opens conversation with "u have nice hair", and from there I simply swoon. Our conversation, and subsequently our love, blooms like the finest rose. The glare of the CRT monitor twinkles in our eyes as we trade equally romantic prose. His words ricochet in my mind, and I begin to verbally fellate him. Ohhh fuck BobJ42Oswego! u r hot! cutie! ur pants are blu! you profile made me laught UNGHHhghgnhhghh.

Yes, that is how it typically goes.

ugnghghghunnnnnn yessssss tell me more....

the most beautiful part of the female body is the profile unghhhhhhghhh MORE

YES YES OH GOD



And that, my dear lads, is how to get them bitches.