I iz Flewent

He slayed my English major heart <3

He Didn't Understand my Choice...

Remember that guy on OKCupid who tried to explain marketing strategies to me before closing with a resigned "I'll understand if you choose not to respond?"

Well, he's back with more game than ever!


He sounds like a fun-loving, emotionally stable mate! I can't wait to message him back!

Facebook: Bringing Sexist Fuckwads Together Since 2004

In an effort to delve further into the mysteries of douchebaggery, I often turn to Facebook. Today, I came across this gem on Jonathan's profile. I hope it gives you a better idea of what caliber of being I'm dealing with here.


I think Ayn Rand would be proud.

Explaining Dating Website Marketing Strategies to Strangers: Always a Turn-on

Dude's got game!

I hope he understands my choice to not respond. It was extremely hard for me to make.

The Jonathan Files: Part II

Despite Jonathan's closet libertarianism and blatant douchebaggery, a couple of days after our initial get-together I was horny again, and decided that perhaps I was just overreacting- and even if I was, who cares about the conversation when two people are using each other for sex?

Thinking with my vagina dentata never does end well...

I showed up at his apartment around 12pm, only to be greeted by a porch full of strangers and Jonathan sprinting out the door, shirtless, to tell me that he was changing so I should wait on the porch. Awkward small talk commenced while I waited, and soon realized that his friends were just as douchey as he. Jonathan came out, dressed in a baby blue polo shirt with the collar popped, and proceeded to make fun of my purple and black striped leggings. Oh, the irony.

I discovered that they all had plans to walk to a local bar when they all abruptly stood up and started walking, so I reluctantly followed, wishing I hadn't driven out there in the first place. When we got there, the group sidled up to the bar, leaving no stools left, so I sat at an adjacent table, alone. This is about the point when I started texting Tiffany my S.O.S. After awhile, Jonathan came over and tried to read my text that said "OMG WTF WHAT A DOUCHEBAG WTFFFF" so I awkwardly clicked out and tried to make small talk. Jonathan decided to take my phone and start playing Oregon Trail. I laughed, thinking he was joking. Oh, no; libertarians never joke. He played Oregon Trail on my phone for ten minutes without talking to me. TEN MINUTES of sitting in silence, staring at this fuckwad while he giggled lovingly at my phone. These are the lengths I will go to for some poon.

Things got better when we decided to go to another bar with drinks I could afford with my $2 and play a round of darts. Hanging out ensued, and we headed to Jonathan's room at the end of the night for some much anticipated sexing.

I received ten minutes. Then, Little Jonathan decided he didn't want to play anymore. Big Jonathan, however, tried to convince me to work with Little Jonathan. Little Jo received NOTHING. After a brief stint of me trying to get Little Jonathan to come out and play, I gave up, told him "I'm not toiling over your drunk dick," rolled over, and went to sleep.

You'd think it was over then. You'd think.

I woke up the next morning to find Jonathan already awake, so quiet escape wasn't possible this time. Nonetheless, I made an excuse to GTFO, but Jonathan asked if I'd give him a ride to his brother's house, saying it was only a couple of minutes away.

A "couple of minutes" meant ten, fifteen if you factor in the FOUR TIMES I had to slam on my brakes and turn around because motherfucker had no idea where his own brother lived. When we finally got there, I was fuming. But of course, Jonathan has trouble picking up on obvious social cues, so he invited me to meet his brother, to which I flatly replied, "no." He kissed me goodbye before I could turn my head, and got out of the car.

I drove home that day with a newfound respect for my own desperation.

With all of these warning signs, I still went back a couple of days later, which became a story for a different day. Why. Why. Why. I AM STUPID.

-Jo

asoulwatcher: being an autistic sociopath is even worse than being a sociopath.

As a desperately lonely single woman, I've spent many hours browsing OkCupid for my internet prince - enough time that I am no longer surprised any time a man is trying to lure potential mates to message him with rape jokes and misogyny. "Women are too stupid to make decisions for themselves and only date bad guys*, and that's the only reason I'm single. Message me to be treated well." Thank you for that assumption, dream man!

But I digress. The other day I found, literally, the most awful person to ever exist. If he had charisma instead of self-diagnosed Aspergers, he might even manage to throw us sheeple into concentration camps. This was most probably the hardest decision of my life: how do I not just screenshot his profile in its entirety and leave you with one question? "Why?" WHY?

Like any good feminist, I do support equality for everyone. Therefore, I have decided to separate this gentleman's feelings in three categories; why he hates men, why he hates women, and why he hates humanity as a whole. Pray for me.

Let it be known that it took 20 fucking pages to screen shot his profile.

Why asoulwatcher hates men:

 ur gay if u insult me

Why asoulwatcher hates women:

Why asoulwatcher hates humanity:

So ladies (or you dudes that only e-insult him because you want his dick), don't all message him at once! This man, who has no type (aside from the type he mentioned), is not superficial (just look exactly how he wants you to) is only in this for true love.

*bad guys: any guy that isn't them

The Alejandro Files

I am a drug to boys, plain and simple. I produce a high which leaves them in varied states of pure ecstasy. Unfortunately, when they eventually quit me, withdrawal produces symptoms close to an untreated bi-polar disorder. I, according to my ex, induce fits of rage, unexplained jealousy/repressed mommy issues, and downright poor writing skills (which isn't good if you're going to GRAD school with a CW major...).

*Pay close attention to the time period when these messages were sent.

-Tiffany

. . . . .

The "new little friends" make their voices heard:

How to Ensure a Speedy Reply on a Dating Website

Step 1: Make light of the experience of rape victims.
Step 2: Link to a funny* picture with a name like "radioactive pedophile on the loose" that someone surely would not want to click on.
Step 3: Mention your affinity for anime.
Step 4: Something about squirrels... wtf. No, I'm done trying to make sense of this.
Step 5: Welcome criticism.
Step 6: ???
Step 7: Profit.

Although this stud invited me to "give [him] [my] best shot," I wasn't sure of where to begin, so he remains waiting by his empty inbox, perhaps trying out his stealthy game plan with other unsuspecting dateables.

-Jo



*Make sure it isn't actually funny, though.

The Jonathan Files Begin

I met my latest FWB on the internet, like so many respectable people often do. His name is Jonathan, and his profile picture of him cuddling with an overweight cat made him immediately endearing to me, while his extensive knowledge of Ayn Rand's works gave me immediate concern that I might have been becoming involved with a libertarian.

After the prerequisite conversations, I decided to go to his apartment for a visit one lonely Thursday evening, with Tiffany on speed-text in case Jonathan was not just a libertarian, but also a murderer (but really, the similarities between the two can be striking).

After a brief tour of an oddly clean apartment (complete with a suspicious desktop background of Neil Patrick Harris [?]) things got heated, and we had fabulous I-don't-yet-know-your-last-name sex.

Here's where the Jonathan files really start, because it was in our post-coital bliss that Jonathan decided to start a conversation about politics and social issues, beginning with the description of a male-to-female transsexual as "he/she/it." On women's issues, Jonathan adamantly insisted that men face considerably more oppression than women; when discussing white privilege he spoke of the crippling effects of affirmative action on the disenfranchised white male demographic.

Needless to say, I promptly declared my blow-job "rescinded," and left early the next morning before he woke up. However, the Jonathan files continued due to my love of sex with stupid people...

-Jo

Johnny Muscles

Johnny Muscles intrigued me, because of his user name and appropriate usage of "Machiavellian." Wanting to know more, I innocently took a look at his profile, only to find the typical sexist diatribe of "women only go for assholes, so it's their fault when they get hurt, they are so stupid, etc."

When confronted with a direct quote of his sexist assholery, Johnny Muscles then claimed that I had passed his crafty "test," so congrats for me!

Johnny Muscles: single-handedly breaking down gender norms on the internet.

-Jo