First Impressions 101: A Helpful Guide

Alright, so you've set up your dating profile! But you can't trust the ladies to truly recognize your genius and machismo based on that alone, so it's time to get messaging.

There are a couple of different routes you can take here, depending on how you want to impress said ~hot bitchez~. Feel free to follow this handy guide!

1) The Scholar



Worried that she won't appreciate your tasteful misspellings, grammar errors, and general lack of content? Fear not! There's nothing a woman likes more than a fixer-upper! Women are naturally maternal, so the closer you come to sounding like a child, the better the chance that she'll want to do you. It's super endearing.

Remember, boys: the more unintelligible, the better.

2) The Forthright Lad



The Victorians were right: if there's one thing women are all about, it's sex. So speak their language! No need to have any kind of conversation; it doesn't matter that she's a complete stranger; if you've met one you've met 'em all, am I right? So just come right out and say what you know she wants to hear. Her panties will be on your floor faster than you can say "Women are just pieces of meat for you to enjoy!"

*Note: Everyman did not need to include "how are you?" This makes the receiving subject think about themselves, which may distract them from thinking about you.

3) The Sexy Slacker

None of these options appealing to you? Feeling a bit shy today? That's okay, too! Just click on her profile, read one sentence (don't go reading the whole thing, that might be super boring), repeat the sentence in your message to her, and add an "lol." This will make it appear as if you actually read her whole boring profile because you care and are a good guy. Also, she will notice your awesome sense of humor through your careful use of "lol" or even "haha."



But you're a pretty busy dude, and looking at her profile is exhausting. How about you just say something about how funny/cool it is? She will feel indebted to you for "looking" at her profile, and most likely need to have sex with you in order to repay your efforts.





Of course, there are many other avenues you can venture down, including writing your memoir if you're feeling bored. But rest assured in the knowledge that no matter what, she'll be head over heels in no time. After all, she's probably desperate, anyway! Rock on, bro.