First Impressions 101: A Helpful Guide

Alright, so you've set up your dating profile! But you can't trust the ladies to truly recognize your genius and machismo based on that alone, so it's time to get messaging.

There are a couple of different routes you can take here, depending on how you want to impress said ~hot bitchez~. Feel free to follow this handy guide!

1) The Scholar



Worried that she won't appreciate your tasteful misspellings, grammar errors, and general lack of content? Fear not! There's nothing a woman likes more than a fixer-upper! Women are naturally maternal, so the closer you come to sounding like a child, the better the chance that she'll want to do you. It's super endearing.

Remember, boys: the more unintelligible, the better.

2) The Forthright Lad



The Victorians were right: if there's one thing women are all about, it's sex. So speak their language! No need to have any kind of conversation; it doesn't matter that she's a complete stranger; if you've met one you've met 'em all, am I right? So just come right out and say what you know she wants to hear. Her panties will be on your floor faster than you can say "Women are just pieces of meat for you to enjoy!"

*Note: Everyman did not need to include "how are you?" This makes the receiving subject think about themselves, which may distract them from thinking about you.

3) The Sexy Slacker

None of these options appealing to you? Feeling a bit shy today? That's okay, too! Just click on her profile, read one sentence (don't go reading the whole thing, that might be super boring), repeat the sentence in your message to her, and add an "lol." This will make it appear as if you actually read her whole boring profile because you care and are a good guy. Also, she will notice your awesome sense of humor through your careful use of "lol" or even "haha."



But you're a pretty busy dude, and looking at her profile is exhausting. How about you just say something about how funny/cool it is? She will feel indebted to you for "looking" at her profile, and most likely need to have sex with you in order to repay your efforts.





Of course, there are many other avenues you can venture down, including writing your memoir if you're feeling bored. But rest assured in the knowledge that no matter what, she'll be head over heels in no time. After all, she's probably desperate, anyway! Rock on, bro.

This Week's Gem

So, I'm 5'10". I'm definitely taller than your average woman. And I'm about 1 inch taller than your average man.

This comes with certain advantages and disadvantages. I don't get as pissed off when someone sits in the seat in front of me at the movies. I can reach things that my roommate can't (which comes in very handy). If there were to be a flood, I might fare better than those shorter than I. It's science.

There are, however, some drawbacks to Amazon-hood, most of which having to do with the fact that we live in a society where men are supposed to be BIG AND STRONG AND ABLE TO LEAP TALL BUILDINGS IN A SINGLE BOUND but women are supposed to be tiny and frail and easily overpowered.

Thus, the ideology of this suitor:

What a damn pity.

(I'm sure that I would also be too fat, too loud, too opinionated, and too self-serving.)

Also problematic: "everyone sucks so I guess you're here;" the usage of the R word (and as an adverb, no less); and signing off with a polite "eff you."

But have no fear, for there is a second explanation for this lovely boy's ramblings:

WHY WON'T THEY LEAVE ME ALONE?!

Regards,
The Gentle Giant

I missed out.

BIGOT Q&A: COOL CLOUD EDITION:

Q1: Would you ever change your religion (or adopt one) because your significant other wanted you to?

A1: Yes

Q2: If you were going to have a child, would you want the other parent to be of the same ethnicity as you?

A2: Yes

Q3: Straight women who kiss or fondle each other in clubs in the hopes of attracting men are...

A3: Incredibly hot!

Q4: Which is more offensive: book burning or flag burning?

A4: flag burning

Q5: Do you think women have an obligation to keep their legs shaved?

A5: Yes

Q6: Should evolution and creationism be taught side-by-side in public schools?

A6: Yes, students should hear both sides 

Q7: Would you--for any reason--read your mate's email or pose as him/her online, without his/her knowledge and permission?

A7: Yes, I'd be too curious not to.

Q8: Which best represents your opinion of same-sex relationships?

A8: All same-sex relationships are wrong.

Q9: Would you consider connecting with someone whose relationship status is 'seeing someone' or 'married'?

A9: Yes to 'seeing someone' only 

ALL SAME SEX RELATIONSHIPS ARE WRONG unless it's two women masquerading as lesbians for my sexual gratification. Monogamous, loving homosexual couples: you are destroying the sanctity of marriage. However, it's okay for me, a straight male to destroy the sanctity of trust in a relationship by sleeping with a woman involved with someone else.

Sucks for you guyzzzzzzzz! 

Copy & Paste: The most effective way to date

Deeply submerged beneath the sea of men who think rape jokes are first date material (or joke material, or funny at all...), people who think randomness is the pinnacle of humor, and those who try to impress us by flinging insults is an entirely different breed of men. Somewhere, in a universe where I haven't seen everything and am completely unimpressed by the stupidity involved in dating, I lose sleep over these people.

If any of you are reading this, I have so many questions. If you're looking for casual sex: why would anyone fuck you after reading ten paragraphs of self-centered, impersonal drivel? If you're looking for a meaningful relationship, why are you sending this bullshit? I can't imagine any circumstance where I would find it meaningful to reply to someone who sends 50 women a generic message in the hopes that one is stupid enough.

Especially if you're ugly.

Okay, okay. I won't be shallow. Dear Cool-Cloud, in which "cool" refers to the temperature of the vajayjays of each woman you contact: I, the wonderful and kind Ashley, offer you redemption.

Nevermind. I don't really have anything clever to say anymore, so basically he's also an awful person.

A New Asshole Demographic

I'm moving to a new city on Saturday, so I decided to make the changes on OKCupid to see what caliber of men I will soon be dealing with.
Hmm.. sounds pretty cute. Let's click on his profile and see if he continues to be cute.


DO YOU GUYS SEE WHAT HE DID THERE? IT'S A PLAY ON WORDS! INSTEAD OF 'PHILANTHROPIST' HE PUT 'FULL ON RAPIST'! OMG THAT IS JUST SOOOO FUNNY BECAUSE RAPE IS HILARIOUS AND IT IS SUPER ATTRACTIVE FOR A GUY TO SUGGEST THAT HE IS A RAPIST!

Coincidentally, while I was making these screen caps someone started talking to me through the instant messager. He seemed funny, was an English major, what could go wrong, right? RIGHT?!

THEN THIS HAPPENED:Now, I could either view this as total coincidence attributable to the fact that there are at least two rape apologists in the city I'm about to move to...

OR I COULD TAKE THE REACTIONARY VIEWPOINT AND DECIDE THAT I AM MOVING TO A CITY FULL OF AWFUL, AWFUL PEOPLE.

Guess which path I decided to go down. Just guess.

-Jo

P.S. RAAAAAAAGE

& my little red apron

How do I even begin to detail the stupidity of the men which seem to gravitate towards me? Well, lets start with last night...

So I went out with a guy from work (I know, I should have listened to my own advice: DON'T GET INVOLVED WITH DUDES FROM WORK) a couple of weeks ago and we hit it off great.
With his real name in mind, we will call him Lizzie Bennett on here.

Lizzie Bennett is sweet, and opens the car door for me, and does all the things a gentleman would do for a lady of class. I was impressed. He makes me laugh and smile with his flirty ways. One evening, while sipping on my favorite wine he bought just for me, we are discussing how I wish I had a Wegmans Shoppers card but always forget- he gives me his extra shoppers card in a playful-marry me, joke kind of way...

Needless to say by the second week I was crushing on him and we did the deed. I wouldn't say it was the best sex of my life, far from, BUT it has potential...potential I wanted to take the time to craft into THE BEST SEX OF MY LIFE.

Of course, after having done all of this, guy gets lazy...makes plans and never follows through and doesn't even call to tell me he isn't coming. Yesterday was no exception. After a week of flaking I thought tomorrow would be different... I call around 5pm, no answer. I go home, I nap, I wake up around 8pm. No missed call, no anything. 8:30pm I get a text: " Hey there. Whats going on?" What the fuck do you think dude- I'm waiting for you to tell me when you want to hang out, Derp.

I know, I know. We aren't in a relationship and I don't want one yet, but when a dude says everyday he misses you and makes plans and then never calls... you feel a bit played.

So here is the dialogue after the initial text:

PS: I now wear a red apron where we work and we briefly talked about it before he left work yesterday.

Lizzie Bennett: I bet you look cute in your aprion
Darcy: What?
Darcy: Ok, are you talking to me because that's random...
Lizzie: Im sorry i didnt call you sooner
Darcy: Ok.
Darcy: And I'm not wearing an apron*
Lizzie: I wanted to see it on you hint hint
Darcy: Do you mean my red apron?
Lizzie: Yes
Darcy: Hah.. Ok
Lizzie: Something with black too? =)
Darcy: Haha, are you drunk?
Lizzie: LOL no

There are TWO concerns running through my head.

1) You don't return my call but text me those lines of bs- I AM NOT SEXTING YOU
2) There was a girl at work who said this same guy suggested for her birthday she go to VickiSecret and get something black. I wasn't sure what to think because he claims the conversation never happened. I decided to give him a chance and the chick seemed cool about me hanging out with him and thus I thought, well yea- maybe it was some misunderstanding.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME! ALL THE CLUES ARE PUT TOGETHER AND I STILL THINK- hey, maybe he is just misunderstood- like a puppy who ruins your favorite 100$ Gucci pumps and then shits on your toothbrush. So cute, but so obvious that he wants to use your shit, detroy your belongings, and then after all that- expects a belly rub.

Meanwhile...

As I am driving to the local Applebees to drown my pain with Mudslides, my phone rings. Lizzie? IS THATCHU DERE? ****Always look at caller ID before answering***

Hello?
Alejandro is on the line.

Conversation: What are you doing? APPLEBEES Why are you going there? TO FILL THE VOID WHICH WAS MY LOVE LIFE WITH BAD DRANKS Why would you do that, you sound crazy. BECAUSE I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT ( Alejandro, you are not my Dad. KAYTHXBAI)


BREAKING NEWS: So Lizzie Bennett calls me as I write this blog. My friends car apparently has had an injury and she told Lizzie she was drunk and side swipped a tree last night. (False.) He immediatly becomes concerned because he's worried I'm hurt. LOL He also has called to tell me he needs a computer desk and he wants me to go help him shop for one. He wants me to help him decorate his apartment. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND YOU MALE GENDER. WHY WOULD YOU WANT ME TO DO THAT???? AHSIDJEWIHJFIOERGFVIERHJOGROEJFWOCJEKWPOQRFFFFERJVIPOGEJEROJGVIOTRJIOVRGVRJEOVJIOEJJJERV



The joke is girls are crazy, right?


- Holly Golightly

monkey cheese bananas lol

I'm currently low functioning; working on about four hours of sleep. Instead of admitting how lazy I am or the honest truth that this is the best writing that will ever come out of a computer major, focus on my obvious lack of effort compared to that found in this message.

Bravo Ashley! An artful comparison!

To be honest, I don't quite know what to say about this poetic message. I suppose I'll leave it open for interpretation.

And what is the message title all about? "Wink" WHAT was going through this dudes head?