Catch of the Day

Ladies, form a queue.

Halloween Slutz

Unfortunately, I now have a boyfriend. Though not technically a boyfriend, as we're not Facebook official and he says to "call it whatever you want, labels suck". Call it societal influence or maybe just my vagina crying out for much-needed attention, but I find myself having to rage on men less. Or maybe mostly, guys don't contact taken girls on OKCupid.

Today, and by today I mean yesterday because I've yet to sleep, is Halloween. I no longer understand what some people want. The same men expect women to be sexy, and then accuse them of being slutty for dressing up in revealing clothing with friends. I'm sure women would agree that they have the right to dress as they wish without harassment, but have no issue assuming some sort of promiscuity (as if there's any issue with that anyways) and sling insults when other women have fun.

And I give you Facebook.

I'm disappointed in my gender, too. Maybe "Je" has self esteem issues that cause her to lash out on other women, or maybe she's one of those people who agrees that slutty girls deserve to have terrible things happen to them.

All I know is that as long as women (and men too) perpetuate this bullshit, we'll never be equal, we will be judged, and we will never feel entirely safe.

Take Care

There's a phrase that's been bugging the shit out of me recently, having to do with "taking care" of oneself.

What bugs me is a certain context in which it's used: "I take care of myself, you should, too." or "I expect a woman to take pride in taking care of herself."

This is code for a less eloquent phrase that is used by more blunt individuals: "No fatties."

Here's my dilemma with the phrasing: it implies that the writer genuinely cares about your well-being, when that is obviously not the case. You can take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually, interpersonally, etc. Furthermore, taking care of yourself physically often has nothing to do with being thin/physically fit, but rather with feeling your best and sometimes, having a physician who tells you as much. But of course, your state of physical well-being is also NO ONE's business but yours and your doctor's.

So yes, I take care of myself. But not in the way you're implying, mister. I take care to guard myself against people who make me feel imperfect or degrade me for looking the way I do. I've taken care to cut people out of my life who consider my body their business. I take GREAT care of myself, actually.

I work extremely hard to take care of myself. As someone who struggles with a mental illness that can become debilitating if untreated, I will probably have to put a lot of effort into taking care of myself for the rest of my life. So the fact that you go to the gym? Doesn't really impress me.

You know what I'd have to do to be skinny? Starve myself. Go to the gym every day. Take time out of my life to fit into your mold. And some things are more important to me than being thin. Like taking care of myself.

Rape is Hilarious and also a Great Ice-breaker.

For all its faults, OKCupid actually has this really great feature- you can answer a variety of multiple choice questions, pick what you'd want a potential mate to answer, and rank the question by level of importance. Furthermore, you can see how other people chose to answer said questions. This provides one with what I call a "Dickbag Filter."

Most of the time, when someone messages me on OKCupid I follow this procedure:

1) Is the message gross/horribly misspelled/sexist?

If yes, delete message/post to blog for lols.
If no, click on person's profile and see what they answered for quiz questions.

2) Do their answers to questions make it apparent that this person is a dickbag?

If no, check to see if person has beard. If person has a beard, message back.
If yes, delete message.

If answers make it PARTICULARLY apparent that this person is a dickbag, copy/paste problematic answers into message to person. Give them a chance to explain themselves.

The problem is, despite my obvious disgust for most of the men I encounter on this site, sometimes I feel like they just need to be educated on how to be a decent human being. Like, if I point out "Look, you said here that rape is awesome," a guy will magically come to his senses and say "Oh dear, I can't believe I said that. You're absolutely right and I will change my disgusting ways immediately."

This scenario never actually happens, because a key aspect of being a dickbag is a refusal of admitting wrongs and a blatant disregard of any idea that is not inherently sexist/violent/homophobic/racist/etc.

For example,


God, what a catch.

I'm getting to a point in this experiment where I just want to throw up my hands and pretend the male gender does not exist. I'm getting a bit tired of the taste of vomit.

First Impressions 102: Instant Messaging

None of these really require much explanation. The examples really speak for themselves.

Gettin' Them Bitches 201: Romantic Like Joyce

Inspired by Joelle's thought-provoking guide to first impressions, I took a gander at past messages and noticed many tactics used by my previous suitors. What truly makes a woman tick? Which messages are more successful than others? Can OKCupid users answer either of these questions with success, or do they just hit the pitfall of misconceptions?

Dear reader, since joining the trend that is online dating, I have met some of the most poetic and thoughtful writers of our time. Joyce, your fart fantasies have been topped. Step aside.


1) The Unimposing


It can be scary, you know, talking to females. Please be aware here that I said "females", as interaction with them is different - it is required to be awkward and stilted. These "females" sometimes have difficulty making decisions of their own, so it is your duty to be kind, unimposing, and be sure to offer them all possible options.

Make sure to let her know that, unlike other men and probably the desperate hag you're speaking to too, you don't actually have a reason to be cruising about a dating site. He's just bored and wants to talk (but only if you're beautiful, whore). But this is where the trick comes in. "Well... I suppose if you want to talk,  we can have a conversation. If you'd like to. It would be okay if we talked." Invite her, let her in, ravage her.

Nick, who also happens to be a Scholar, is a master of being unimposing. I, the lucky lady, am an expert in being a sexi ma and only living an hour away. A match made in heaven! Once again I can feel free to call him. The benefit of leaving your number is that you don't have to worry about her comfort zone or getting to know a complete stranger. Because really, who gives a damn?

This is the best possible use of The Unimposing. Not only does it say nothing about yourself, but you get bonus points for The Empty Compliment! Short, inoffensive, and prompts the woman to do all of the work. Just sit back and relax, buddy. I can already hear them calling, "I'm interested! Oh me, I'm interested!".


2) The Neg

Let me go off on a tangent for a moment. I'm not clever enough to make up this fabulous word, nor am I a raptor. "Negging" already exists, and according to SoSuave.com (and many other male dating communities) a neg is used "to penetrate a woman's bitch shield". They pretty up the definition a bit, but it basically means to insult a woman in hopes that it shakes their confidence and gets them interested in you. Charming, really.

Of course, no dating tactic goes unused!

My only critique here, boys, is that you probably spent too much time and effort on a woman. That would be my critique, if I didn't remember lady Joelle getting almost the same message. Oops, C&P is a no-no!

But, I digress. The neg hit home. Unfortunately, while simultaneously IMing Baller7259 and looking up Ryan Young, I remembered that 300lb women need to eat and bought myself 10 pizzas.

MESSAGE ME BACK OR YOU'RE LIKE ALL THOSE OTHER WHORES.


3) The Confused

This technique will cause your success rate to vary wildly. Yes, it does require reading her profile. Fortunately you can read only one line, or maybe read the entire thing and not understand a single word. In this case: obvious satire.

What?

I'm sure he really is an electric engineer, though.

And lastly...

4) The Empty Compliment


We've all gotten these at one time or another. A guy opens conversation with "u have nice hair", and from there I simply swoon. Our conversation, and subsequently our love, blooms like the finest rose. The glare of the CRT monitor twinkles in our eyes as we trade equally romantic prose. His words ricochet in my mind, and I begin to verbally fellate him. Ohhh fuck BobJ42Oswego! u r hot! cutie! ur pants are blu! you profile made me laught UNGHHhghgnhhghh.

Yes, that is how it typically goes.

ugnghghghunnnnnn yessssss tell me more....

the most beautiful part of the female body is the profile unghhhhhhghhh MORE

YES YES OH GOD



And that, my dear lads, is how to get them bitches.

First Impressions 101: A Helpful Guide

Alright, so you've set up your dating profile! But you can't trust the ladies to truly recognize your genius and machismo based on that alone, so it's time to get messaging.

There are a couple of different routes you can take here, depending on how you want to impress said ~hot bitchez~. Feel free to follow this handy guide!

1) The Scholar



Worried that she won't appreciate your tasteful misspellings, grammar errors, and general lack of content? Fear not! There's nothing a woman likes more than a fixer-upper! Women are naturally maternal, so the closer you come to sounding like a child, the better the chance that she'll want to do you. It's super endearing.

Remember, boys: the more unintelligible, the better.

2) The Forthright Lad



The Victorians were right: if there's one thing women are all about, it's sex. So speak their language! No need to have any kind of conversation; it doesn't matter that she's a complete stranger; if you've met one you've met 'em all, am I right? So just come right out and say what you know she wants to hear. Her panties will be on your floor faster than you can say "Women are just pieces of meat for you to enjoy!"

*Note: Everyman did not need to include "how are you?" This makes the receiving subject think about themselves, which may distract them from thinking about you.

3) The Sexy Slacker

None of these options appealing to you? Feeling a bit shy today? That's okay, too! Just click on her profile, read one sentence (don't go reading the whole thing, that might be super boring), repeat the sentence in your message to her, and add an "lol." This will make it appear as if you actually read her whole boring profile because you care and are a good guy. Also, she will notice your awesome sense of humor through your careful use of "lol" or even "haha."



But you're a pretty busy dude, and looking at her profile is exhausting. How about you just say something about how funny/cool it is? She will feel indebted to you for "looking" at her profile, and most likely need to have sex with you in order to repay your efforts.





Of course, there are many other avenues you can venture down, including writing your memoir if you're feeling bored. But rest assured in the knowledge that no matter what, she'll be head over heels in no time. After all, she's probably desperate, anyway! Rock on, bro.